Philadelphia, PA – After being alone for 55 years, Zachary Folmar has been trying to find a valentines date so he can finally lose his virginity. Zachary spent the last 4 months looking for a valentines date anywhere he can, “I’ve done everything I can to get a date, I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried being mean, I even tried to pay woman to go out with me with no such luck, I really think woman are scared of how I look.” After seeing how depressed this lonely man was, Maple Bacon News decided to give Zachary a make over.
After receiving his new makeover, Zachary went straight to the mall to find a date. Apparently his looks weren’t really the issue; according to Kaitlyn Everett, “When Zachary approached me he looked good wearing a nice blue suit but he smelled like shit and I got away from him as fast as possible”. Another claimed he smelled like a bag of rotten dog assholes. Turns out you can make shit look good but can’t make shit smell better.